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Dec. 30th, 2006

well, christmas was good but im so glad all of the holiday hype is over.. it was very draining.. now im still trying to organize all of our new crap and find a place to put away christmas decorations..also trying to get back to my normal routine with my diet.. i havent been doing so good the last couple days :( im excited about the next couple weeks. we get paid on friday and travs going to give me some money to go clothes shopping, i want to look extra cute when me and the boys go on vacation to AZ in a couple weeks.. im hoping i'll have enough to get some cute clothes and i think i may go the extra mile and ask for extra cash to make a hair appointment for myself.. and then next saturday i can leave the boys with travis and i can have a girl day to MYSELF.. shopping, lunch by myself, get my hair cut and colored... that would be my PERFECT DAY! there are so many things i want to buy right now though.. i especially need to get a couple things to organize the boy's room a little more.. their toy organizer is completely full and their closet is a complete mess.. i'd like to have it all clean and completely organized before we leave for AZ... we'll see..im also going to try and lose atleast 5 more pounds before i go so that i can say i lost 30 pounds.. that would feel so awesome... i better lay off the chocolate lol.. well im tired..

stromboli bites.

so its been a little while since i've updated... i have been so busy getting everything ready for christmas.. today i feel like im finally a little caught up and im relaxing..i woke up and finished my last load of laundry (hallelujah) i got the boys and myself dressed... i sat in the living room with my new rachael ray cook book that my mom sent to me as a christmas gift.. i like it because its called 2,4,6,8 its recipes for 2 4 6 or 8 people... i think i'm going to try and add atleast one new thing from the book to my weekly menu... this week i tried stromboli bites... they were awesome and easy! i made a simple pizza dough from a recipe i already had... i chopped up cubes of provolone, pepperjack, mozzerella and parmesan cheese.. i seasoned the dough with some garlic and oregano.. spread some store bought pizza sauce.. and i chopped up some salami and onion.. i threw everything on, rolled it up and used waters to seal it shut... i cut slits on the top to vent it... lastly i drizzled some EVOO on top and sprinkled some parmesan cheese... baked it up and sliced it... as rachel would say YUM-O! so cooking has been a great outlet for me lately... eating USED to be my outlet but since ive lost weight (down 24 pounds now!!!) i have really spent my main energy cooking the food and less energy stuffing my face.. i eat slow and enjoy my food.. and it has all payed off.. i've lost weight i feel great and my husband gets a lot more yummy food! so tomarrow we get paid... we'll be doing our last bit of shopping and then this weekend will be all about cleaning and baking... saturday is trav's mom's bday and then sunday we're having a couple people over for a small gift exchange and monday is we'll be relaxing and opening presents with the boys... anyone have any good gift exchange ideas? it has to be a gift good for a man or a woman? 30 dollar limit...

personality test

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9 ponds lost!! :) :(

bah, just weighd myself im only down a total of 9 pounds which means i lost 8 pounds last week and 1 pound this week, i knew it would slow down after the first week, but  i didnt know it would slow down this much....  not the way i wanted to start my day, but hey i guess one pound lost is one pound lost... afterall i didnt seem to notice gaining 10 pounds in the 4 months ive lived in arkansas... once i lose that first 10 pounds, ill be happy, but i still cant wait to get to that 20 pound mark... i know i dont have a lot of chances to excersize a lot but i do what  i can... im only eating 1000-1100 calories a day and compared to what i was eating i thought my body would eventually drop down to a good size... i guess i just have to stick with the healthy diet and its just a matter of time... aww pooo..

therapy or growth?

overall im thinking today was a good day, there were a few moments where travis and i were snapping at eachother a little but, he took me and the boys out to dinner- it was sweet of him. theres one thing really lingering on my mind today- a baby girl. i have 2 beautiful boys, im so glad i have them and im so glad they have eachother, and theres something so special to me about having boys, but theres an emptiness in my heart and i know exactly what is missing- a daughter.. for some reason my heart wont let me let this feeling go, but to me its so much more than a feeling, i have honestly cried about this... theres something about that mother daughter bond that i want so badly, travis doesent understand he thinks its rediculous and he says hes done having kids.. he said that after caleb too.. were no way near being ready for another baby right now, colin and caleb are still very dependant on me for almost everything.. and financially there is no way we could handle it right now, but once we get settled into a home we know we will be in longterm, and we are financially stable and the boys are a little more mature i dont see why we couldnt try for another baby and i know you cant choose the sex of your baby but there are many things you can do to increase your chances of one or the other and if i had another little boy than i would know that it wasnt for me and i would love a 3rd boy as much as the 1st and 2nd... i wish i could flip a switch and not feel like this but i dont see that being possible- maybe i need therapy, maybe i will grow out of it.. there are still a lot of things i want and need to accomplish to provide for the kids i already have let alone worry about a baby thats not even made yet, in a year i want to go back to school and i figured it would take me about a year to finish so caleb will be in kidergarden and colin will be in preschool by the time it would be time to find a job.. so where does that give me the chance to start all over with a baby again? id like to be able to stay home and not have them in daycare, thats something really important to me.. all i know is god has a plan for me, hopefully it will become more clear as time goes by.

friends anyone?

my nose is so stuffed up i cant even breathe..ya its really annoying.. once again im writing before bed, i like to clear my mind- i sleep better that way. todays topic, friendship, i miss having friends so badly... no one to go to lunch with, no one to sit and laugh with no one to shop with or share dessert with or go to happy hour with.. if anyone needs a friend right now its me, im a stay at home mom who rarely leaves the house to go anywhere accept the store, i know absolutely no one in this state accept the people who live in this house. its nice to have contact with the outside world every once in a while and i wish i could somehow meet someone that lived here who was funny and pretty and could show me that there is hope of a social life in arkansas. im really dissapointed that april didnt even apologize for bailing on us she could care less in my opinion.. why am i wasting my time worrying about her and what is going on with her she is so obsessed and focused on things that im not about... okay im frustrating myself so im ending this entry, im to tired to think. night.
so i guess our friends wont be coming to visit afterall, which explains why they wouldnt return my phone calls the last couple days.. they told travis they werent coming through a message on myspace.. we knew they hadnt planned this trip very well... oh well, less stress and pressure on me this weekened.. but i just think its kinda crappy, i mean we should really expect it from those two by now but i guess we really missed having some people our age to hang out with and didnt want to see things how they really were.. and to top it all off i sent her a message on myspace telling her to call and she says "oh sorry i just got your message we were at a red carpet event in scottsdale" and drops all these names like im into that..GAY
oh well, that is how she operates and ive always known it. why am i friends with someone who acts like this?

Oct. 16th, 2006

today was a good day, weighed myself in the morning and im down 5 pounds! im so glad i made the decision to get healthier and to look and feel better- so far ive lost pounds according to the scale but im not really seein it yet.. i know i will if i stick with it though.. the dieting is getting a lot easier everyday, and im feeling great to be honest, im not so tired and sluggish all the time i just love the energy its given me, i woke up today got the kids and myself fed.. got the boys dressed, threw some clothes in the wash swept and mopped the living room and bedrooms, straightened up the kitchen and boys room and all together i got 3 loads of laundry washed and put away, then we went to enroll caleb in the preschool we chose- we brought the packet home to fill out but it looks like hes going to have to wait a couple weeks to start because with the enrollment fee, tuition and a couple things well need to buy for school well need to wait for another paycheck, especially since our friends are flying in for the weekened and im sure well be going out for dinners and such...im a little anxious about them coming, they are doing really great right now and im glad they are but in a way i wish they would have waited a little while to come for a visit so that we could have fixed up the boys room a little more and bought maybe a couple more things for our room.. it sounds bad i guess but there are still a lot of things i want to do to their room that we havent had the money to do until now, but we have a couple other priorities right now, and were just now starting to get a little bit cauht up and making a move on all the things we came here to take care of i.e. bankruptcy.. which we are going to get the ball rolling on that very soon. it will be such a relief when that whole ordeal is over and travis and i can put that behind us, im sure we will have a celebration- one that is way overdue. were also working on paying back a friend that lent us some money before we moved we sent him 60 dollars today so that will be another thing we can cross off our list in a couple months most likely... wow im hoping we get as big of a tax return as we did last year.. im not counting on it, because im sure that there are a few collection agencies that wouldnt think twice about taking 5 grand off my hands- but honestly i really want that money, im thinkin we will most likely put some of it towards our trip to vegas and arizona and then use the rest either to get a house or a car or both.. we'll see what happens... well, i feel like ive cleared my mind a little bit. now its time for sleep! goodnight ♥

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stuff

its late and im tired, well my body is tired, my eyes are tired but my brain is very much awake. this is my new livejournal.. i had one that i faithfully wrote in for years, but i moved and in the midst of all the madness i lost interest in my old journal and decided to start a new one, so that i could write what i wanted without being worried that people i knew in real life were judging me..

so ya we just recently left everything behind in arizona and moved to arkansas with two little boys- not the easiest choice to make, i always swore i would never leave everything behind like we did when we moved to texas just to end up back in arizona IN OVER HEADS all over again. but things are better this time but all the anxiety of starting over hits me now and then, usually when i have a second to think about everything we left behind. ya its all STUFF and STUFF can be replaced but it takes years to accumilate enough junk to fill a house but guess what it was pretty junk and i liked it. weve already started collecting more though, but for some reason i always have this worried feeling we arent ever going to have nice things again- its a sickness really i guess ive had to rebuild so many times that i really get attched to stupid things- like plants and toyboxes.. im also really worried i left a special little photo album and i know i left the bowls my mom gave me... okay enough because i could sit here for an hour listing everything we left- most of it im assuming was just thrown away.. i cant stand thinking about it.. I just cant wait to start moving forward. well, tomarow is a day full of errands to run, well its suposed to be, knowing my husband hell wait to the last minute and itll be too late to do anything and itll be another day at home with the kiddos, isnt it sad that i look forward to doing errands because it gets me out of the house? ya i think so. goodnight new journal.